Done.

​You can laugh, sneer, yell at me all you like. I’m done taking your abuse.

Think hard about the things I’ve forgiven, and the secrets I’ve kept. 

Loving you, forgiving you, and being your friend were choices. I made those choices because of who I am. You never deserved them, and you didn’t bother to appreciate them. 

Now you have my nothing. So be very careful. Because it was kindness that kept your secrets. And I never HAD to be kind to you. My anger is fire, and I will burn your house of cards to the ground.

Could you still stand tall if all of your truths were told?

Un-Circular

I found myself sitting alone, facing the back of a circle so tight the members sat almost knee to knee. How long did I sit that way, alone on my plane of existence? No matter. Long enough to establish there was no room for me, and no need or impulse to make room for me.

But I am the master of any plane that I occupy alone. There is no reason to stare at the back of anything. So, I moved.

There would be a fire soon enough. Alone is warm and wonderful in front of a campfire. So, I set my chair near the fire pit. When people come for the fire, they can sit around me.

When the time comes and a new circle forms, nobody places their chair on top of me, or in front of me. But the chairs begin at the opposite side from where I am, and fill in toward me as necessary.

Breaking up with Texas, a Lost Letter

You appear to tolerate your LGBT kid, but then post articles that say gay marriage is a signal of the upcoming apocalypse. I have to conclude that you don’t care what that does to your child. Clearly you aren’t coming to me about such a conundrum, despite the possibility that I know what you might be going through.

In fact, considering that you watched my children grow up and then kept silent through the dramatic changes in our lives, I have really no sign that you have any love for us.

Your silence has been painful. But as the years go on and I hope for something different, what I see instead are your “liking” articles written and followed by bigots, racists and liars. Articles rewriting history to “Christianize” atrocious behavior.

Whatever they’re putting in the water down south, it must shut down both your heart and your sense of reason. You may not come right to my page waving a Christian flag while forgiving U.S. torture practices and condemning dying patients for exposing medical staff to germs, but you are clearly still in that company.

I really do love and miss the people who were my Texas friends. But I don’t recognize most of them anymore. It’s a shame.

To the people you have become, I don’t know what to say. To the people I once loved, goodbye my friends.

Simmering

If there were some “father” over all humanity, how disappointed would he be? No matter what name they called him, he told all of his kids to love, and he would look down generation after generation and see his kids killing each other over which kid he loved best, and who did what more “wrong”.

Do you ever wonder, if angels do exist, and are messengers between worlds, why every time they show up in the Bible the first thing they have to say is “Fear not”?

Do you suppose angels get pissed off watching bloodthirsty spoiled children act up? By the time they’re sent they’ve been watching for so long… I bet an angry Angel is one hell of a thing to see.

Patriotism of Lies

Why does it matter? Because it’s Nationalism. It’s the same “We’re better than everybody and have the right to exert that power” mentality that allowed Hitler to bring a nation’s blessing along on his genocidal march.

The Nazi party was a political party that was allowed to use it’s racially charged bullshit to build consensus unchecked, to spread lies through media without pushback, and eventually to spread it’s armies across the world by literally killing or enslaving all they deemed “enemy” or “lesser than”.

How is this different from our country, now? We have our Reich Wing, with their propaganda machine (Fox), and the apparently impotent Bullshitists, feigning an attempt to counter the lies and spewing their own propaganda (CNN/MSNBC), all the while working their own angle to the war machine. Our right and left is like choosing between Germany and Russia. You can pick a side and defend it loyally, but the higher ups on both sides are buying their exploits with your blood, and the blood of your children.

Even now, we’re being sorted.

Some will be imprisoned- legal slaves to be worked in unchecked conditions. Have you heard of the school to prison pipeline? That is a plan. People being arrested for marijuana and labeled as dangerous criminals? That’s a plan. Laws against protest that make prisoners out of dissenters? That’s a plan.

Those who are in the upper crust shall feel untouched, and inconvenienced by any complaining they hear. There is no problem in our schools, for white children. There is no barrier to education, at the right pay grade. Children beaten by police “should have behaved better”. Struggling mothers are morally lacking, and drug addiction is the primary cause of all strife, not the numbing reaction to it.

There is one other use for citizens who are neither “good enough” to be part of society without personal cost, nor ensnared into the prison system… Military service. Why would we cut off access to birth control to our women? Then why would we reverse access to long-legal abortion as well? An increase in unwanted children and children born to poor families is an increase in military enrollment. It’s the only course to military enrollment that doesn’t rely on either drafting soldiers or the actual support of the people for fighting the war at hand. Kids go in hoping for a paycheck, college and benefits. They come home wounded, scarred and ignored (ask a vet). Wars require soldiers, and the politicians know that. Our children dying for endless war. That is a plan.

I can’t be the only one who sees this.

Post Office (March 20, 2011)

Yesterday at the post office, when Littleman was bouncing around the place as if I’d given him Mountain Dew and jelly beans for lunch, I told the lady behind the counter, “Having a four year old is like being given ADHD as a gift.” I didn’t realize until after I’d said it how bad it might have sounded.

In the craziness that was yesterday’s chore list, it was so nice to look up from that epiphany and see the woman’s knowing smile. When she said that she was a mother and grandmother, so she understood, I knew by the look in her eyes as she spoke of her family that she did.

Not just the frustration of my fruitless attempts to stop the tyrannizing of the change of address forms while trying to ensure that my parcel went to Daddy, not Baghdad. But she understood that I meant the “gift” part. That even in that moment of chaos, when his listening skills weren’t working so well, Littleman’s joyful exploration was indeed a gift. It’s good to be reminded once in a while that happiness can be found in the simple everyday.

It’s good to remember him. What a miracle he is. What a gift. He brings a lot of joy to the world.

Work

When I am finished
You will not recognize this place
This space
You will only know
As you stand within
That you have found a space that is new, warm and alive.
Every torn ligament
Every aching piece
A testament to the power of love
To rebuild
To endure
To pick up the pieces
And bind them into a life reborn.

Silent Screams

I don’t understand.

How is it so easy to turn your back on me? Not only to turn, but to know I suffer because of it, and make the choice anyway?

I am still here.

You can close your eyes. You can turn your back. You can silence your ringer, and ignore your email.

I am still here.

And you know.

You know I have no food, no medicine, no resources. No net to catch me if I fall.

As long as you keep your mind’s eye turned away, you can pretend. Pretend I do not exist. Pretend I am not hungry, and not in pain. Pretend you didn’t see my messages. Pretend you had no idea the whole time…

But I am still here. I know that I am, because I can feel the hunger in my belly. I can feel the heat and the pain in my bones. I can feel the screaming, bottomless ache in my heart.

Surely that will stop when I am really no longer here, that ache. It hurts so much, and it makes me feel so very tired somewhere in my soul.

But I digress, this imaginary me, with my imaginary concerns. Let me just disappear until you need something to look at again.

Nothing to see here.

The Definition of Abandonment

a·ban·don
əˈbandən/ verb
verb: abandon; 3rd person present: abandons; past tense: abandoned; past participle: abandoned; gerund or present participle: abandoning

1. give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking).

“he had clearly abandoned all pretense of trying to succeed”

synonyms: renounce, relinquish, dispense with, disclaim, forgo, disown, disavow, discard, wash one’s hands of;

2. cease to support or look after (someone); condemn someone or something to (a specified fate) by ceasing to take an interest in or look after them.*

“her natural mother had abandoned her at an early age”

synonyms: desert, leave, leave high and dry, turn one’s back on, cast aside

*Notice there is no mention of the Worth of the person or thing abandoned.

On love, and the human heart.

“I still believe in the resilience of the human heart and the essential validity of love; I still believe that connections between people can be made and that the spirits which inhabit us sometimes touch. I still believe that the cost of these connections is horribly, outrageously high… and I still believe that the value received far outweighs the price which must be paid.”

― Stephen King, Four Past Midnight (From the introductory notes.)